Without Your Love
by MrsRileyOverstreet
Summary: "With each cut he made, he cleansed him self of all love he felt for Mercedes Jones." Sam tried to live without Mercedes, he really did. But he just couldn't live anymore.
1. Chapter 1

**No I can't forget this evening**  
**Or your face as you were leaving**  
**But I guess that's just the way**  
**The story goes**  
**You always smile but in your eyes**  
**Your sorrow shows**  
**Yes it shows**

* * *

Sam tried, he tried so hard to live his life without Mercedes, but he just couldn't none of it seemed to make sense anymore, glee club, family, love, life, none of it. And it was all because of her - how she looked, how she smiled and and she broke his heart. No one could help Sam, he was spiraling deeper and deeper into a dark depression and it was all because of her. To Sam it was funny, how he felt the happiest he has ever been because of her and now he's the saddest he has ever been - because of her. Mercedes Jones had the power to bring Sam Evans to his feet, and she didn't even know it. He remembered the first time they said I love you to each other and, how alive he felt and how happy he felt - all because of her.

_"Hey there pretty lady" Sam said._

_"Hey there handsome" Mercedes replied._

_"Sooo... are you ready to get this AWESOME date started?"_

_"Hell Yeah I am Sammy"_

_"Wooo" Sam said, doing a fist pump._

_"You are such a nerd"_

_"Yeah Well you love me anyways Cedes"_

_"Yeah... I do"_

_"Good 'cos I love you too Diva"_

* * *

**No I can't forget tomorrow**  
**When I think of all my sorrow**  
**When I had you there**  
**But then I let you go**  
**And now it's only fair**  
**That I should let you know**  
**What you should know**

* * *

It got worse for Sam, people in glee club began to notice it too. This frustrated Sam because he thought he had been doing such a good job of hiding his feelings. Everyone thought he was crazy, none of them understood, not even Artie (who lost Sugar to Rory) no matter how much he claimed to. None of their pain was even worth half of the pain he felt losing Mercy and the pain he still feels now. He became like a shadow, a shadow of his former self. No one knew why, or how they could get him to become the Sam they once knew again, that was because none of them understood. So instead of reaching out to Sam, they ignored his presence, they all forgot about his feelings. It was like Sam Evans didn't even exist. That's what the school made it seem like. It wasn't as if it was just the students, it was the teachers too.

Coach Washington had started going easy on him, Santana stopped calling him Trouty Mouth, the teachers at school stopped calling on him because they knew he wouldn't answer. Mr Schue even stopped giving him solos and including him in group numbers. Everyone seemed to realise that Sam Evans was hurt, everyone except Mercedes, who continued her life as normal not knowing that she was the reason for the empty shell that once held a great man. She felt guilty though, as well as heart broken. But what she didn't know was that Sam was feeling much worse.

* * *

**I can't live**  
**If living is without you**  
**I can't live**  
**I can't give anymore**  
**I can't live**  
**If living is without you**  
**I can't give**  
**I can't give anymore**

* * *

He remembers how she held him when he told her of how his mom left them just before they moved to Kentucky, she was his rock then. When his whole life felt like it was falling apart he had her to hold him while he cried and reassure him that everything was going to be alright. He thought of the time when she came to him, distraught over her dad's dismissal of her dream, of how they held each other when he told her about him moving to Kentucky. The way after that they just lived each day of their life together as if they only had so much time to themselves left. But that was because they did, time was ticking fast for the two of them, they were on borrowed time, especially during that last goodbye they shared when he was about to go, and leave his heart behind- forever.

_"I guess this is it then" Sam said biting back tears_

_"Don't go, what if I never see you again?" Mercedes said, not bothering to stop her tears_

_"You will, I promise" Sam said surely_

_"You can't just promise things like that Sam. How do you know?" Mercedes asked doubtfully_

_"I just do."_

_"Sam..."_

_"No listen, I know because we are gonna make this work, us- me you. We are forever and I know that we can get through this. We're meant to be together."_

_"I know Sam"_

_"How do __**you**__ know?" Sam countered smirking_

_"My heart told me" answered Mercedes_

_"Well I guess I can't argue with your heart pretty lady" Sam_

_"No you can't Sammy"_

_._

_._

_._

_"Sam promise me one thing"_

_"For you anything." Sam said smiling slightly at how beautiful Mercedes looked despite her tears._

_"Promise me you'll never let me go" Mercedes said_

_._

_._

_._

_"Never"_

* * *

**Well I can't forget this evening**  
**Or your face as you were leaving**  
**But I guess that's just the way**  
**The story goes**  
**You always smile but in your eyes**  
**Your sorrow show**  
**Yes it shows**

* * *

Sam sat on his bed one night, and all he could think was Why? Why wasn't he good enough for her, was he too white? Too skinny? Were his lips too big? He just needed to know why? Why couldn't Mercedes just love him. Scratch that he knew she loved him so why was she back together with Shane, even after the whole 'I will always love you' incident. He remembered something that Burt told him once. _"When two people love each other as much as you son, love Mercedes... Everything turns out alright" _But Burt was wrong. NOTHING was turning out right, Mercedes was busy walking up and down the school with her arm attached to that huge lump of charcoal Shane. Even Though EVERYONE knew they were meant to be together. Everyone but her... But that's why he was sitting here alone on his bed crying his heart out. Because of her.

Sam doesn't know when or how it started, it just seemed to give him release. A way to get away from all the emotional pain that her felt. No matter how stupid it sounds but for Sam ANY physical pain was better than the pain he felt in his heart. He never made more than one cut- not very deep, on his bicep, just to ease his emotional heartache. But tonight it was different, he just couldn't stop. With each cut he made, he cleansed him self of all love he felt for Mercedes 'd start at the top of his arm and move his way down, asking why with every cut. Why? He moved the razor down his arm. Why? He'd move it down again, and again and again. He counted that it took 17 cuts before he reached the one place that he promised he'd never cut. His left wrist. He couldn't do it. He promised himself that he wouldn't. _Promise _he scoffed at the word, she'd broken her promise to him, saying she'll never hurt him... look how that turned out. If she could break her promise, why couldn't he?

* * *

**I can't live**  
**If living is without you**  
**I can't live**  
**I can't give anymore**  
**I can't live**  
**If living is without you**  
**I can't give**

* * *

And with that, he made his final cut to vein that led right to his heart.

* * *

**I can't ****_live_**** anymore**


	2. Chapter 2

**Life is a carousel**  
**And dancing 'round the mirrors we go up and down**  
**So let the music take away the hurt you've come to**  
**Know so well**  
**Let it go cuz**

**You can't turn back the hands of time**  
**Just let it go and you'll be fine**  
**What's done is done and it's alright**  
**You can't turn back the hands of time**

* * *

KURT POV

* * *

"Sam" I got no response

"Sam! Dinners Ready!"

"Sam, I know you're depressed but that doesn't mean you can ignore me"

Arggh. I swear this boy... Sometimes I don't know what's going on with him. He's been acting really weird ever since Mercedes stomped on his heart, I swear if that Diva wasn't my best friend I'd have her head turning on a spit for the way she treated Sam. From what Sam's told me, she did all the heartbreaking in the relationship. TWICE. The first time after she called Sam when he was in Kentucky telling him that it was best if they broke up, and the second time after the whole 'I Will Always Love You' thing. Actually, she's hurt him three times, after getting back together with Shane, knowing full well that it would break Sam's heart.

Ever since he's been living with me, dad, Finn and Carole, I've developed a soft spot for Sam and he's become like a big-little brother to me. (In the sense that I'm older than him but he's bigger...) I know that 'Cedes is hurting too but there's something different about Sam, the way he walks the way he talks- or doesn't talk. It's just an aura of hopelessness and depression. But no matter how much Sam Evans' is depressed he can NEVER ignore me when I'm calling him. I swear if he doesn't open this door or at least answer me I'm going to burn all those disgusting flannel shirts that he loves so much. ... On second thought, I was bound to end up doing that anyway...

* * *

**Another day is gone**  
**Washed away with sorrows that you dwelt upon**  
**And as the moon is rising you think to yourself I**  
**Could be gone**  
**If I go now**

**You can't turn back the hands of time**  
**Just let it go and you'll be fine**  
**What's done is done and it's alright**  
**You can't turn back the hands of time**

* * *

"Fine, you leave me no choice. I'm gonna get the spare key from my dad" I said, but not before trying to see if the door was open. Which it was.

I entered, seeing mess and clothes and guitar chord sheets... but no Sam.

"Sam? Where are you? I know you're here..."

I walked towards the adjoining bathroom that Sam had in his room. I knocked on the door, but heard no reply. Figuring that Sam was in there but just wasn't talking to me, I opened the door.

Oh God No.

I heard a scream. It was only after that I heard it was coming from me.

Please... don't let this be true. He can't be dead, he just can't be. But yet here he was, lying in a pool of his own blood lifeless.

* * *

Blaine POV

* * *

"Burt, do you know what's taking Kurt so so long?" I asked, it had been almost 10 minutes since his dad had asked him to go fetch Sam from upstairs.

"Ermmm... I'm not sure to be honest. But you Sam's been hurting a lot recently so Kurt's just probably having a heart to heart with him" Burt replied

"Hmmmm" I said, sensing that something was wrong.

I heard a scream.

"Burt, did you hear that?" I asked

"No why? What did you hear?"

"I thought I heard Kurt scream?"

"Okay, errr maybe you should go and check up on him" Carole said.

"Dude, don't bother. Knowing Kurt he's probably screaming at the mess in Sam's room" Finn said

I chuckled, knowing that was probably the case. But I still couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that I was now sporting.

"I'm gonna go check, just to make sure."

I ran up the stairs, taking two as I went along, just wanting to reach Sam's room before something happened. I walked in slowly and upon seeing now one in the room, I walked towards the bathroom. What I saw shocked me, it was Kurt hunched over in a ball, sobbing loudly. My heart froze, what could have happened to make Kurt cry like this. I walked over to him and he looked up and moved to my side and continuing to sob into my shoulder. Now that Kurt had moved I could see what was going on. My heart wasn't prepared for the sight. It was Sam, laying on the floor clad in only a pair of socks and sweat pants, blood dripping down his left arm, creating a pool of his own blood on the floor. In his deathly pale hand was a razor, drenched with blood- his blood.

I couldn't take it anymore. I collapsed onto the floor beside Kurt, crying my eyes out. We held each other as we both cried. Hoping that Sam would make it.

* * *

FINN POV

* * *

"Mom, Blaine and Kurt are taking really long... do you think they've..." I trailed off, not wanting my mom to hear the rest of my sentence

"Do you think they've what honey?" Mom said

"Err... got lost"

"Honey, why would Kurt get lost? He lives here and Blaine practically does too."

"You never know, all that hairspray and hair gel they've been using might have clouded their judgement"

"That's unlikely son, but I do agree, the three of them are taking far longer than they should. The food your mother has made is getting cold"

* * *

**You can't turn back the hands of time**  
**Just let it go and you'll be fine, yeah**  
**What's done is done and it's alright**  
**You can't turn back the hands of time**  
**Da da da da da**

**You can't turn back the hands of time**  
**Just let it go and you'll be fine**  
**What's done is done and it's alright**

* * *

I walked up the stairs hesitantly with my mom and Burt behind me, not knowing if we were going to walk in on some Klaine action.

.

.

We entered the room.

.

.

.

**_You can't turn back the hands of time._**

* * *

"It's all my fault" Kurt said

"NO! It's not, we all sat there and cried for a good 30 minutes before calling for help" Blaine said

"I... I just feel like I could've done more to help him" Kurt said, beginning to cry again

Blaine knew that Kurt wasn't talking about calling 911 this time.

"Hey, don't blame yourself. None of us knew anything about this, we didn't know it was THAT bad for him" Blaine said

"NO! You don't get it. I knew! Mercedes told me everything, about his mom, his dad the stripping... ALL OF IT. I noticed he was down but I did NOTHING, I j..just didn't think..."

"You just didn't think he would try and take his life?" Blaine answered and as he watched Kurt despondently nod he felt tears of his own return to his eyes.

"Kiddo, I have to agree with Blaine on this one." Burt said "There was no way any of us could've known that Sam was self harming"

"Yeah, Mike, Puck and I didn't pick up on it and we're his best friends" Finn said. At the mention of some of the glee clubbers, Mr and Mrs Hummel froze, along the three boys who were deeply shaken by the events of the day.

"You don't get it! I knew about the abuse, the drinking, his mom leaving his dad losing it, the fact that he had to let creepy cougars touch him up everyday just to get money to help his little brother and sister survive"

"Wait?! Did you say abuse Kurt? What are you talking about?" Now it was Mrs Hummel's turn to look concerned, as a social worker and a mom first, she felt very strongly against domestic and child abuse.

Kurt nodded and closed his eyes as he remembered the day 'Cedes told him everything...

_*Flashback*_

_Kurt was doing what Kurt did best... organising his Alexander McQueen designers collection, when he heard a knock on his door. He was furious, he'd already told everyone NEVER to call him when he was organising his designers collection._

_"Who is it?"_

_Silence._

_"Who is it!?"_

_The only reply Kurt got was sniffing, and the sound of someone sobbing... sobbing... he knew that sob anywhere... but why would she be crying?_

_"'Cedes?" he said opening the door_

_He took in the sight of her tear-tracked face, her disheveled clothing and her puffy red eyes and gasped. There have only been two times when Mercedes has cried like this. When Whitney died and when they announced that Beyonce would not be reprising her role as Deena Jones in the upcoming Dream Girls Movie's 10th anniversary show._

_"Cedes" he said leading her into his room and guiding her to his bed where they both sat down, her crying into his lap whilst he rubbed a soothing hand up and down, trying to comfort her somewhat. When he was fairly certain that she wouldn't start full on ugly crying again, he spoke..._

_"Are you going to tell me what's up?"_

_"I... I saw them..." Mercedes stuttered_

_"Saw what Mercy?" Kurt was intrigued as to what she saw..._

_"On Sam... all over" she started_

_"What did you see Mercedes?" Kurt was genuinely worried now. What could she have seen to make her this upset._

_"The bruises, there were so many of them and they were everywhere... I.. I just..." She couldn't finish as she began crying again into Kurt's lap._

_"What do you mean You just..." Kurt asked_

_"He told me, everything... all of it" Mercedes said_

_She then went into a detail account of everything that Sam and Stacey and Stevie had been through, first with their parents losing their jobs, going onto how their father would come home drunk every night. Where he got the money to do so was beyond Kurt. She told of how Sam would hear his parents fighting in the middle of the night, and the fights would usually end physically with his father slapping or hitting his mom, and crying apologizing saying that he would never do it again. But he did, night, after night after night, until one day she just left. Took all their money, packed her stuff and left._

_After this, Sam's family moved to Kentucky, and the kids were told the excuse that Elizabeth was out job hunting. But Sam knew what was going on, he just didn't have the heart to call his dad out. Probably because he was too scared to. In order to help his dad out, Sam got two jobs, one at the Dairy Queen and one at a place called Stallionz- A strip club. Sam hated what he had to do, but knew he had to endure the countless hours of being pressed up against random girls, have people both men and women ogle him like a piece of meat, because he wanted to make sure his siblings were okay._

_Sam's dad eventually figured that the kids knew their mom was never coming back, so he told them. But he told them it was their fault, that they drove her away and they believed him. Except Sam, so that night when the twins were in bed he called his dad out about it. And that's when it started, but except with Sam there was no kissing or crying promising never to hit him again. There were just threats, promising to kill him and the twins if he ever told someone._

_She told of how Sam left, and took Stevie and Stacey with him on the way back to Ohio. But leaving them with a relative who was informed of the family situation. Sam had enough and was probably going to end up leaving anyway but Rachel and Finn coming to Kentucky just made it more opportune._

_"Wait, so how do you know all this"_

_"I saw the bruises when Sam stretched during Church, I cornered him and made him tell me"_

_"Please don't tell anyone" She finished_

_"I swear I won't"_

_"Please promise, me I said I wouldn't tell anyone but I... I just couldn't keep it in... I don't know how he's done it for this long" she said bursting into tears again._

_"It's okay Cedes I got you"_

_"Promise?"_

_"Promise"_


	3. Chapter 3

REVIEW PLEASE :)

DISCLAIMER FOR THE REST OF THE STORY: I DON'T OWN GLEE

* * *

"All of that happened and none of us, NONE us did anything about it" Kurt said

"That's because none of us knew, honey. You can't blame anyone for this." Carole said.

"I know nobody was aware of what was going on, but we did know that Sam was acting differently and none of us talked to him or checked if he was okay" Blaine said.

"Exactly, we all just played it off like it was ALL to do with heartbreak over Mercedes, but it wasn't. It was all this anger and hurt and pain building up. I think to Sam, Mercedes was the **one **thing he had left to live for, and well when she broke up with him, I think he felt like his life had no purpose." Kurt said.

.

.

.

.

Everyone was silent, absorbing all that Kurt had told them that day.

Luckily the silence was broken when Sam's doctor, Dr. McHale entered the hospital waiting room.

"How is he? Is he Okay? Is he going to be alright? You managed to stop the bleeding right?" Kurt rambled all at one.

"Yes, we managed to get the bleeding under control, but he's pretty out of it since he lost a lot of blood, and since his blood type is quite rare, we had to do quite a bit of searching to find the large amount of the **correct **blood type to administer to him. If we had gotten to him sooner we wouldn't be having this problem right now" The doctor said, looking pointedly at the five people in the waiting room.

"Is there anyway we could see him?" Burt asked Dr. McHale

"No, only direct family members can see him, and until his parents arrive we can't let anyone else visit."

"You, don't understand. Sam doesn't know where his mom is, she just left! His dad is an abusive alcoholic who partly caused him to try and take his own life" Kurt exclaimed

"I see..." Dr McHale said "Well in that case the Social Service is going to have to be called in."

"Yes, I'm a social worker and Sam's kinda, sorta foster mom, so I have no trouble dealing with that" Carole spoke up.

"Okay, I'm going to need to speak with you after that, ermm... what else? Oh, does he have any siblings he could call? Girl friend? Boyfriend?"

"Yes, No, and NO! Sam's not gay... sadly" Blaine said for Kurt as he was too sad at the mention of the girlfriend Sam **used **to have.

"I see, how old are his siblings?" asked the doctor

"They are both 8 years old, and before you ask they are living with their Auntie in Cincinnati." Burt said

"Is there anyway you could contact them and let them know what's going on?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that we can do that" Carole said

.

.

"When is he going to be let out?" Burt spoke

"Well, since this was a suicide attempt" Everyone winced "We are going to have to keep him in a while longer, maybe get a psychiatrist or a therapist to come and talk to him and make sure it's safe for him to be able to be back home"

"Thank You so much Dr. McHale, you don't understand how much this means to us a family to have you take care of our boy" Burt said

"It's okay, I'm just doing my job... Erm... that's all I have to say, and if you've got nothing to say then I guess you can go see him, he's in room 0208 on floor 3"

With that Kurt sprinted towards the elevator, leaving behind a shocked doctor and a smirking boyfriend.

"Mrs Hummel, can we have a word now"

* * *

Kurt took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

"Sam?"

"Oh my gosh" Kurt gasped at the sight of Sam, lying deathly pale his left arm attached to a IV, pumping blood into his colourless body.

"How are you?" Kurt asked, after composing himself

"Yeah I'm good. Been better, but I'm fine" Sam said.

There was an awkward pause.

.

.

.

.

.

"Kurt, if your here to give me a lecture about self-harming and all that I don't want to hear it. I've had it from every fucking person in this hospital" Sam said, near tears.

"No, I'm not. I get it, I get why you did this, Mercedes told me." Kurt said

"How much did she tell you." Sam said

"Everything"

Sam closed his eyes.

"Why would she do that" Sam asked himself

"Because she was worried about you, Okay? She was at my house at 11 o'clock at night, she even interrupted me organising my designers collection. THATS how much she cares about you. She didn't care that her weave was messed or that she look like a hobo. She walked through the street crying her eyes out, because she cared about you. And she felt for you, because she loves you" Kurt said, catching what Sam said.

"No, she doesn't love me. If she did, she wouldn't be back with Shane" Sam said

"NO, she's with Shane because she loves you."

"That doesn't make sense..."

"She knows how much you love her, and that you would literally follow her to the ends of the Earth. She doesn't not want you to do that, she just doesn't want it to come in the way of your own dreams, and your own goals. But I think what she's afraid of more is heartbreak, I know she broke your heart the first time, and the next time and the next. BUT she doesn't want it to happen again when she leaves, so by being with Shane..."

"She's choosing the safe option" Sam finished

"Exactly, Sam you don't get how much she loves you, and when she finds out about all this... She's going to hate herself forever..." Kurt trailed off

"NO! That's where you're wrong, she's NEVER going to find out. Okay, Kurt you're my brother, just like Finn and Blaine are, even though you're kinda more like a sister... But more to the point, you can't tell anyone. NO ONE outside the Hudmel-Andersons must know about this. Especially not Mercedes" Sam said, with a tear running down his face

His voice was broken now... "Please, Kurt for me... don't tell anyone"

* * *

_It's been the longest winter without you_  
_I didn't know where to turn to_  
_See somehow I can't forget you_  
_After all that we've been through_

_Going coming thought I heard a knock_  
_Who's there no one_  
_Thinking that I deserve it_  
_Now I realize that I really didn't know_  
_If you didn't notice you mean everything_  
_Quickly I'm learning to love again_  
_All I know is I'm gonna be OK_

* * *

"Sam, you're not co-operating. The reason why you are here is because you need to get better"

Sam, was at his 5th therapy session, he had been allowed to go back home, but the doctors didn't think that he was ready to go back to school. Every single session he had been to began and ended the same, with him not saying a single word.

_silence..._

"Sam, you're wasting my time here, if you are not going to talk to me, you might as well not come." said his therapist, Dr. (Call me Christine) Andrews.

"Christine, what do you want me to say?" _silence _"Do you want me to tell you that I'd rather be dead than come to one of your stupid little appointments. That I'd rather be dead than see her walk down the hallway everyday with a guy that's not me"

"Sam, I know you're upset."

"NO! That's the thing you DON'T know, you just sit behind your desk all day talking to people like me pretending to know how we feel but you don't."

Christine rolled up her blouse sleeve to reveal faded pink slashes across her arm. Sam gasped silently.

"Is that...?" Sam asked curiously

"Yes, Sam it is..."

"But Why?"

"I was raped frequently by my father, and it just got too much. So I decided to dedicate the rest of my life to help others who have or have had self harming issues." Christine sighed

"I... I'm sorry, I had no idea..." Sam started

"You, couldn't have Sam. You don't need to apologise, it's not your fault" Christine cut him off.

Sam nodded dumbly.

"Okay... now that we're on the same page, would you like to tell me what's going on"

"I would... but I don't know where to start" Sam admitted honestly.

"How about the beginning..." Christine advised.

"Erm... it all began when I moved to Lima, my dad had been offered a better job here in a construction company as an architect. At first everything was perfect, I had friends I was popular, I was dating Quinn Fabray the head cheerleader and life was good. Then my dad lost his job, when the company downsized, and as he was the last to come, he was the first to go."

Christine nodded whilst writing things down.

"After that my life pretty much seemed to go downhill, Quinn cheated on me with the boy that she once cheated on, the same guy who she tricked into being the father of her baby, when the actual father was my best friend, the guy that she cheated on the guy that she cheated on me with." Sam said quickly

"Okay..." Christine said, not entirely following the story.

"Then the girl that told me about Quinn cheating on me with Finn, Santana offered me a proposition. She was a secret lesbian who was in love with her best friend Brittany, who was dating my best friend Artie, she needed a beard... and I guess I was lonely... the fake relationship worked both ways" Sam took a deep breath

"But then... she cheated on me with the guy that beat up the brother of the guy that Quinn cheated on me with, Dave Karofsky. All because I didn't want my first time to be with a girl who was using me to cover up the fact that she was in love with someone else."

"Yeah, good move."

"Thanks... Ermm... what happened next, my mom lost her job, we had to sell our stuff to pay the rent, when we eventually couldn't we moved into a one bedroom motel suite."

Christine looked at him with Sympathy.

"Then everyone in glee club hated me, because they basically thought that I was a home wrecking hoe, who was ruining all the glee club relationships"

"Why would they think that?"

"Because, Quinn and Kurt were helping me out. Quinn's boyfriend Finn, the guy that she cheated on me with and his ex-girlfriend saw Quinn and Kurt coming out of the motel room and thought that Quinn was cheating on Finn with me, and Kurt was cheating on his boyfriend Blaine with me"

"So they thought you were the typical bi-sexual blonde"

"Yeah, but that's Brittany's job"

"The girl that Santana likes?"

"Correct"

"So, what I'm gathering from this, is that you've had your string of failed relationships, you're parents lost their jobs... Anything else."

"Yeah... but if it's okay, I'd rather not talk about that now"

"Sure, you've already opened up to me so much today, I couldn't possibly ask you to do anymore"

"So, what's the verdict Doc?"

"Well I don't know the whole story, but based on what you've told me, I think the best thing for you to do is move on."

"What?"

"I'm serious, the best way for you to recover is for you to put all the negativity from your past behind you and move on to your brighter future. It seems like from what Kurt has told me too, all the women in your life have hurt you deeply, apart from Carole and hopefully me. Some have hurt you more than others. But that doesn't change the fact that some of those people you will probably love for your whole life and there's nothing you can do about that, but what you can do is seek closure, something that will close the lid on the relationship and bind together all your wounds."

"So, what you're telling me to do is forget, Quinn, Santana, My mom, _Mercedes_ and my dad and start over?"

"Pretty Much."

"But, what if I don't want to forget?"

"That option is still open, but it will take longer for you to heal. The more you dwell upon and the more you come into contact with those who hurt you, the longer you may keep hurting."

"May?"

"Yes Sam, may... It's possible like I was saying earlier, that seeing them or talking to them might give you closure. But it also might do the opposite and rip the seams of your scars"

"Wow... this is beginning to sound like Dr. Phil..."

"Sam, you have plenty of time to consider what you are going to do. You don't have to tell me your decision now, you don't have to tell me next week. But whenever you are ready, you can come and talk to me. Next session we don't even need to talk about this, we can just discuss life in general if you want."

"Thank You Christine."

"Don't know why you are saying that, I'm just doing my job"

"I know, but you just seem to get me to open up and talk in a way that only..."

"Mercedes could?"

"Yeah, how do you know about her, I never told you.."

"Kurt, I told you he came to talk to me"

"Oh yeah..."

"Anyway, I guess I'll see you next session"

"Yeah, I guess you will"

"Promise you'll talk again next time?"

"Promise" Sam said chuckling and rising from his seat, he was at the door and had just opened it when he heard Christine say

"I know what I said Sam, but from what Kurt has told me, you and Mercedes love each other" Sam scoffed

"Let me finish, I know I said that somethings are better left in the past, but there are somethings that you are better off keep with you... for the rest of your life"

Sam stared at her blankly.

"Remember that Sam"

"I will, and Christine... Thank you." Sam said it so simply and so sincerely that it brought tears to Christine's eyes. She knew there was no need for her to say anything, instead she simply nodded and let Sam exit her office, with a clear mind and a brighter outlook on the future, and more importantly for the first time in ages, Sam didn't feel the need to cut.

* * *

I_ couldn't turn on the TV_  
_Without something there to remind me_  
_Was it all that easy_  
_To just put aside your feelings_

_If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh_  
_Hurt my feelings but that's the path_  
_I believe in_  
_And I know that time will heal it_  
_If you didn't notice boy you meant everything_  
_Quickly I'm learning to love again_  
_All I know is I'm gonna be OK_

* * *

For the first time in a long time, Sam thought that he was getting better, maybe time does heal all wounds. Even if that wasn't the case, he promised himself that he would get over Mercedes Jones. He wouldn't give a damn about her not loving him a second longer...

_It'll all get better in time_

* * *

A big thanks to every one who reviewed :)))

Don't know what's going on with my PM, it's letting me read and reply to your PMs but I can't send new ones :(

*Chapter 1 Reviews*

**beccalovesbumblebee-** It will get happier I promise.

**zeejack** - Zee, you know I love you. I won't keep you sad for long x

**LovesamcedesStory - **I will bring them all back but for now, one step at a time darling.

**ZamR **- You probably have read this before, this is a re-post of my unfinished story 'Without You'

**Brunaabc** - LOL :) Yeps, you're re-reading and I'm re-writing.

**Jujubee58** - Girl, Samcedes are my children. I can't leave them both hurting like that, especially my baby Sammy.

**krazykay23** - Yeps, I've reposted! I know! What kind of friends ignore you because you've been going through a really rough time. And at the time to Sam cutting felt like the best thing to do.

**Samcedian** - Hey, Maybe you should think about getting an account? And yes, I've reposted.

**Jayfan200** - YAYYY! You reviewed :)

* * *

*Chapter 2 Reviews*

**Jujubee58** - Oh she'll find out, trust me. And when she does... shit's gon' go down...

**zeejack** - I know Zee... I know..

**krazykay23** - They're a bunch of idiots. But they do mean well, I guess it was just IMMENSE shock x

**LovesamcedesStory** - Sam will get better, it will take a while but this fic is about his recovery and allowing him to fall back in love Mercedes and trust her again.

**Samcedian** - Hahaha, yeah... the idiot cried for half an hour :/

**Jayfan200**- I don't even know what's wrong with them... it's just madness..


	4. Chapter 4

**_It was a late October night, and Sam had finished working at Stallionz for the night, making the excuse to his father that he was working late at the pizza parlour, doing the night shift for a friend who was going home for the half-term to visit his family._**

**_Sam was exhausted, and just wanted to sleep but her knew that he couldn't fall asleep without having a shower and washing the stench desperation and cheap perfume off of himself. He had entered the house and locked the door and was just about to walk up the stairs when he heard his father's voice._**

**_"Where have you been?"_**

**_Sam froze._**

**_"I said answer me you little piece of shit, where have you been?" Sam's father repeated_**

**_"Err... hey dad, I didn't know you were still up, you scared me" Sam said, trying to change the subject_**

**_"Stop messing around and answer me. WHERE. HAVE. YOU. BEEN?"_**

**_"I told you dad, I had the late shift at the pizza parlour. I said I'd be back at 2:30"_**

**_"But it's 3 o'clock, so I'll ask you again. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"_**

**_"I've told you..."_**

**_"STOP LYING TO ME! You said you'd be here a half hour ago, so where did you go after your shift?"_**

**_"NO WHERE, dad I swear to you I came straight home after work." This wasn't a lie, not at all. He did come straight home after working at Stallionz_**

**_"Okay then fine, explain why you smell like a _****woman's ****_perfume store eh? What, did you hook up with some random floosy at work?"_**

**_"Dad I didn't, I wouldn't do that."_**

**_"Yeah well guess what? I don't believe you. Not one bit"_**

**_An Uneasy silence came upon the two men as Sam's father, Dwight walked towards Sam. Sam could literally smell the alcohol coming off of him in waves._**

**_"You're worthless."_**

**_"What?"_**

**_"You. are. worthless. You mean nothing to me, you're about as irrelevant as a piece of shit on my shoe. That's all you do Sam, eat. And you know what? eating costs money, something that we don't have because of your lazy ass not working hard enough!"_**

**_"But dad, just yesterday you were saying that I work too much"_**

**_"Yeah, well that was yesterday. This is today, and today I say that you're a waste of space. A waste of space, time, money and energy. Not to mention a waste of life. What have you got going for yourself? Huh? You're stupid, everyone knows that, with your dumb ass mental illness making you seem like some retarded fucktard. What are you going to rely on your big ass lips to get you through life? Well let me tell you something, there is going to come a day when chapstick closes down and then you are going to be stuck with two slugs of crust attached to your face, then who's going to want you then?"_**

**_Sam didn't answer_**

**_"I'll tell you, NO ONE. And no ones going to want you when I'm done with you either. You know why? Because you're worthless, come here."_**

**_Sam stood still, knowing what was going to happen next._**

**_"I said come here."_**

**_"No"_**

**_"What did you say."_**

**_"I'm not worthless, Mercedes told me that..."_**

**_"Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes. That's all I ever here, when are you going to wake up and realise that she doesn't want your sorry ass"_**

**_Sam flinched and he felt tears come to his eyes at the mention of his lost love._**

**_"What? Crying already you little pussy? I haven't even touched you yet"_**

**_"Don't mention her name"_**

**_"What?"_**

**_"Don't mention Mercedes' name. She's too good for me so she sure as hell is even top good for you to mention her name"_**

**_"Oh, I see how it is. So what I'm just some sort of dirtbag to you then?"_**

**_"No dad, I know you've made a few mistakes, we all have but I still love you."_**

**_"Sam the only mistake I've ever made is having you. Beating the crap out of you was probably the best thing I've done in a long while. I don't know but it just gave me such joy and pleasure to see you writhing your pathetic ass off on the floor"_**

**_And with that he grabbed Sam by his collar and threw him onto the table, sending bits of wood and glass from the vase that was on it everywhere. Sam flinched at the impact, but didn't cry out, knowing that it would only spur his father to do more. He shakily stood up to his feet, it didn't help that he was already tired from a long day dancing and that when he fell, his legs took most of the impact. Sam fell back down to his knees. He could already feel the blood starting to pool underneath his trousers from where the glass had cut him._**

**_"Get Up"_**

**_Sam stayed on the ground._**

**_"Get up then!"_**

**_Sam remained motionless until his dad pulled him up by his hair and pushed him into the wall, holding him up against it by his neck. Almost completely cutting off Sam's oxygen supply. Sam gasped and choked for air, trying to pry his dads hands from around his neck. But it was no use, the lack oxygen was beginning to get to him, making his weak and lightheaded. Dwight had finally released him, and just as Sam was getting the air back into his body, he felt it knocked out of him again, when his dad sent a blow to his ribs, probably even bruising them a bit._**

**_Sam clutched at his chest, desperately trying to crawl towards his bag to retrieve his inhaler (asthma pump ). But his dad had noticed the direction that Sam was trying to go in, and went ahead of him, pulling Sam's inhaler out of his bag and holding it out towards him mockingly. Sam tried desperately to reach it, but each time he got closer, his dad would just move it back until he eventually crushed it in front of Sam underneath his foot. He stalked towards Sam, beating his in the chest and the gut repeatedly, until Sam could literally feel the bruises forming on his abdomen._**

**_He once again pulled Sam up and chucked him at the bookshelf, causing the books, the lamp and the bookcase itself to come raining down on Sam's already battered body. Dwight then dragged Sam out from underneath the mess and continued his assault on Sam's body, not listening to Sam's protests, or wheezed cries for him to stop. He beat relentlessly and unmercifully, not caring about any damage that he may leave to his house or one his son._**

**_This carried on for maybe 45 minutes longer, Dwight beating his partially unconscious son into a pulp, with Sam too tired and too weak to fight back any longer. When he was done he spat on Sam's face._**

**_"What are you son?"_**

**_"Worthless" Sam wheezed, a little bit of blood coming out of his mouth_**

**_"Good son, Never forget that"_**

Sam woke up with a start, he was deeply shaken by his nightmare. Except it wasn't a nightmare, it was true. This happened to him almost every night whilst he was in Kentucky and that's something that he will never, ever forget. It just hurt too much, and Sam got the urge again, the urge that he hadn't been feeling since he started going to therapy. The urge to cut. He had sworn that he wouldn't, but his father's words swam in his mind. _Worthless._

_Worthless._

_Worthless._

That's how Sam felt, so he did the only thing he currently knew how to.

_He cut._


End file.
